Just Because We Make Our Needs and Wants Known, Does That Mean Anyone Has The Obligation to Meet Them?
Mandee Currie • February 24, 2021
Be careful what you allow, you are teaching others how to treat you.
As we grow as humans, we are learning that we need to feel our feelings and communicate with others. Weird right? I’ll let you in on a little secret…. No matter how unique we are and how varied our life experiences, after working with thousands of people, clients spanning 65 years of life/ages, across nineteen countries, I’ve learned that we are all struggling with the same things and have the same thoughts and feelings. Sure, we have different life experiences, cultures, beliefs, ages, etc., but at the core, it can all be boiled down to the same thoughts and feelings, and their associated behaviors. Now, this can be a relief that you are not alone and there are humans out there who can relate to you. You can revel in the fact that since we are all suffering form the same human condition, that that means we can work together to make the world a better place. Conversely, you can be angry that you are not the unique snowflake your mom told you, you were. The choice is yours. For the record, my mom also told me I look good in yellow, which is absolutely not accurate.
Here’s why this is important…. While people have many of the same thoughts and feelings, we don’t necessarily know which one another person is thinking or feeling at the time. This is where it gets tricky, but I promise, there’s a solution.
First and foremost, know yourself. You have to know your wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries in order to communicate them to others. It’s like orgasms; you need to do it yourself, so you know what to ask for. Making someone go spelunking, snorkel and all while you guess your way through the experience, often leads to frustration on all sides. Once you have determined these things, you then have a responsibility to convey this information to those in your life. Why? You share this because otherwise, you get bullshit like “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”, hurt feelings, disappointment, and the like, simply because you said nothing and then managed to get your feelings hurt.
In romantic relationships and friendships, that means we don’t expect anyone to be mind readers. We are clear with our needs, wants, boundaries, and expectations. An example would be people sighing repeatedly and then when asked, “what’s wrong”, you say, “nothing”. If you don’t want to talk about it, keep your sighs to yourself. If you do, then sit down and have an adult conversation. If this is a parenting situation, make sure your rules and expectations are clear and understood. If it was not a “rule”, make sure that they should have reasonably known it was out of line. Punishing a child when they were not aware of the rule/expectation, breeds distrust and a lack of respect for rules, which is the opposite of what you are trying to teach. Instead, it teaches them that adults are assholes who punish them based on arbitrary concepts or their mood, instead of humans teaching a valuable lesson to help them become functioning adults in society. Children are not mind readers either, but I’m pretty sure they know, smashing your lamp isn’t appropriate. In all cases, we are clear so that everyone knows what is expected and has a shot at success. Additionally, we are careful what we allow, because we are teaching others how to treat us.
Then what? After we make these things clear either in one sit-down conversation or as situations arise, it is then up to the other person. They can choose to agree or disagree, make changes or not, respect your boundaries or not. You can ask for anything and everything, but they can always say, “no”. You can ask for a damn unicorn, it doesn’t mean they have the ability or desire to get it for you.
If everyone agrees, the relationship moves forward in a healthy way. However, they have every right to disagree. Then, you are left with a choice. Option one, change our perspective and learn not to allow it to bother us and/or adapt. Option two, move on because that person cannot or will not give us what we want/need.
At the end of the day, we decide what we allow or won't allow and by association, who we spend our time with, based on what we want to be surrounded by.
An example of a solid boundary I have is that I don't allow anyone to yell during a conversation with me. The action of yelling is not "good" or "bad", it’s simply volume. Either way, I don't like it and I spent a lot of time taking someone’s yelling and I no longer have to. * Throws confetti *
If you want to speak with me, we use a conversational volume. It's not their problem that I don't like yelling (and let me be VERY clear, I do not make my triggers the responsibility of another, they are mine to manage and extinguish), but it doesn't mean I have to continue the conversation either. I politely ask them to lower their voice. If they say, "no" and disagree (often stating something like, "this is how I express myself"), I end the conversation and remove myself from the situation. Going forward, I choose whether or not to subject myself to that person with the knowledge that they consistently employ a behavior/communication that I don't allow in my conversations. That's my boundary and it's up to me to decide what to do going forward. I cannot force them not to yell and they have a right to decline to lower their voice. Ultimately though, I don’t want to be around someone who cannot respect a very simple, common expectation of communication. Anyone who told me, “I just gotta be me, screw you and everyone within earshot”, would probably benefit from my absence anyway, since I’d be fighting the urge not to punch them in the throat based on their overall personality and disregard for the feelings of others. I kind of feel like it would be a public service to silence that asshole anyway. I’ve never actually experienced that person though. Most people won’t insist on yelling if you ask respectfully. The most common demonstration is that the boundary is accepted and then routinely stomped on when emotions run high. This pattern is then handled just as if they originally refused my boundary.
Key Points:
• Learn your wants, needs, boundaries, and expectations.
• Convey these politely to others, expect them to be respected, and maintain boundaries accordingly. Most people have the same concerns, thoughts, and feelings, so this shouldn’t be completely new information to them.
• Just as you have a right to your wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries, so does everyone else. Respect that these may not match or in fact, may be completely opposite. Remember, you aren’t the unique snowflake your mom said you were.
• In the end, you choose whom you allow in your space based on their reactions to these conversations, and/or consistent respect or disrespect of these limits. Remember that your time and energy is a limited resource.
While we have a responsibility to be clear in our expectations, we also must accept that that does not mean the other person has any responsibility to honor or meet them. Those who do not, do not deserve your limited time and energy. While they may not be “bad” people, it’s not a good fit and you both deserve to spend time with someone who happies them. When you convey them and the other is willing/able/happy to meet and respect them, you will both be rewarded with solid, healthy relationships, that are drama and bullshit free.
Stop comparing yourself to others. They are only showing you what they want you to see. I cannot remember where I read this but some very intelligent writer wrote, "Stop comparing your every day, to others' highlight reel." The trouble with social media is that we are constantly inundated with every moment of every person's life that we choose to "friend" or "connect", even if we barely know them. I do not have the space in my being to care what cereal an acquaintance from grade school had this morning. There are better uses of our time and energy. People want other people's approval. Remember when we discussed this? Anyone who didn't learn to get along with the tribe either froze or starved to death and therefore are not our ancestors. Social media is one more way of getting that approval through likes, hearts, and the like. People show you their curated vacation photos, but leave out that they fought with their spouse the whole time. They post cute photos of their kid but fail to mention that this was the only good shot before little Carter (why do so many kids have last names as the first name?) threw a gargantuan fit and his face was too red and his eyes were too swollen to get any other decent shots. They show off their new home, but hide the fact that they eat Ramen many nights per week because they couldn't really afford it, though it makes for a nice Christmas card. The point is, you are only seeing what they want you to see. People talk about keeping up with the Jones. I treat the Jones, you don’t want to strive to be them. Chances are, their marriage is rocky, she has an Amazon problem, he has a wandering eye, the kids are medicated, and even the golden retriever wants out. I'm not throwing stones here. I've done it and so have you. Everyone has. The problem is that we, as a society, cultivate an environment of perfectionism when nothing could be further from the truth. Ask anyone how they are and the answer is, "great!". No one is freaking great all the time. No one's kids are always cute (my goal at 6:30AM is simply to make them look "not homeless" for school....I'm not aiming high here). No one's marriage is perfect because well, people are annoying and you and your spouse are no exception. Some days, adulting simply means surviving the day, while other days are amazing and scrapbook-worthy. Statistically though, no one can look their best every day, be camera-ready, have the perfect weather and backdrop, feel their healthiest, and be “living their best life”, every single day. So stop comparing yourself to others, especially their social media feeds, because it's mostly bullshit. Be happy for your friends and family without feeling inferior. Everyone is fighting an arduous battle because we are ALIVE, and life is tough. If that doesn't work? Then sit back and revel in the fact that you can witness your bully as an adult, and be validated that the rest of the world agrees that they are, in fact, an asshole.
What happens when you reach a goal and you just start wanting something new? What happens when you meet mental health and/or sobriety goals and life is still hard? A circulating myth is that if you control your anxiety, depression, addiction, insomnia, etc., life will suddenly be a walk in the park. Spoiler Alert: It’s not. Does that mean don’t bother? Hell no. Why doesn’t money buy happiness? Money is a tool. If you cannot pay your bills or are living in fear of losing your house or not being able to eat, then money can absolutely bring contentment and a feeling of safety. I can’t teach someone a breathing exercise that’s going to put food on the damn table. However, we know it doesn’t buy happiness because many people have a lot of it and still aren’t happy and many people have little to none and are thrilled. Why is that? In Buddhism, it is called Dukkha. While it is commonly boiled down to the meaning “suffering”, that hardly does it justice. It’s more about how we are all suffering the human experience/condition. Basically, while we all experience a range of experiences, even the good ones fail to give lasting satisfaction. Thus, we strive for and crave more. This is a very simplified explanation, but you get the drift. The result of this inherent, but not an incurable facet of the human condition is that we reach a goal, celebrate, and then we are on to the next thing. This is also why the “I’ll be happy when ”, doesn’t work. From an evolutionary standpoint, this was beneficial. When the only thing on your To-Do List was survival, having the motivation to keep going and move your ass, was a necessity. It was necessary for continued existence. To Do 1. Find food 2. Don’t become food 3. Find water 4. Fight off competitors 5. Don’t freeze 6. Try to continue the species without letting down your guard or your erection, while still not becoming food With a list like that (instead of just being busy ), you would have to always be ready to accomplish the next big thing and keep going after. Especially since if you failed to complete your To-Do List, it meant death. Therefore, those who didn’t feel compelled to do and accumulate more died, and as such, did not live to reproduce. Therefore, they are not our ancestors. Thus, we inherited a need for more both philosophically and evolutionarily. I speak with so many addicts who maintain their sobriety and after a year or two, are distressed that while sobriety has solved the substance-related issues, that life is still difficult, that the trauma and underlying issues still need to be dealt with, and that discontinuing the substance doesn’t fix everything. Doing the work to improve your mental health will absolutely improve your quality of life, but it’s about more than simply stopping one destructive behavior or reducing a symptom or two. I find it imperative to set reasonable expectations (for myself and clients). Decreasing anxiety and depression symptoms will provide relief, but my goal is to holistically aid and support. If we don’t work on ourselves as a whole person, a reduction in undesirable symptoms will give short-term relief, but will not necessarily make our lives better overall or provide lasting satisfaction. Worse, when we don’t have lasting satisfaction or improvement, we risk resorting to old patterns that were not working in the first place. If you are just starting your journey of self-improvement, keep a journal. It’s easy for that drive for more to trick you into thinking that because it’s still hard, that you’ve made no progress or you may as well give up. If you haven’t kept a journal, try to remember how crappy things were and how you felt when you finally reached out for help and/or started the Google journey with a “how do I feel less shitty” search. Sure, things can get hard, but would you want to tackle the hard without the progress you’ve made, while carrying old baggage, while hopping on one foot because your anxiety and depression are crippling you? While we don’t control everything (though we have more control than we often realize), we can control the condition we are in, when we step into that ring. I don’t fight without conditioning and training, why would the hell would I tackle life without mental conditioning and training? I won’t lie to you. Life isn’t all rainbows and blowjobs, but don’t tie your wrists together and decide you won’t untie them for the fight because the fight will still be hard. I’ve shown you the why behind that constant desire for more from the human condition to evolution. You now know where to start and how to deal with the craving by setting realistic expectations, journaling and changing your perspective, and untying your wrists by removing obstacles (whatever those may be for you), but using a “whole you” approach, instead of simply symptom reduction. You know the who is you or whoever is on your support team to assist you with the how. The when though, that is completely up to you. When will you be done accepting bullshit and untie your wrists? While it would be out of my scope to teach you the Buddhist Eight Fold Path to break free from the suffering of the human condition, we don’t have to accept this inherent facet as a permanent fixture in our lives. It’s easy to have a “fuck it” moment and say, “look at all I’ve done and I’m still struggling” and give up. But neither Mandee nor her misfits give up when it’s worth it, and it is definitely worth it.
Busyness is bullshit. People in our society wear their exhaustion like a badge of honor. Two ladies meet in a restaurant and give cheek kisses while juggling their carry-on size purse. “So glad we are finally getting together darling, I’ve just been SOOOOOO busy!” “OMG I know, me too! You should SEE what I have on my plate.” I’m the one at the next table cringing, knowing that either of them saying they have a solid work-life balance, would elicit a comment such as, “must be nice”, for a schedule that is ultimately up to them. Being overworked, overwhelmed, and exhausted doesn’t make you important; it makes you either incapable of time management or an inability to say “no” and cut back on unnecessary tasks and supposed “obligations”. When we insist on staying “busy”, we wonder why we are so tired, yet get nothing of meaning completed. We spin our tires and get nowhere, and certainly not the direction of our goals. Merriam-Webster defines busyness as the state of “the state of having or being involved in many activities” and “the state of having many details”. Let’s explore this. The first indicates the involvement in “many activities”. While you may be involved in many activities, you don’t have to be. You don’t HAVE to have your kid in 57 extra-curricular activities. In fact, there’s evidence that this does more harm than good. You also don’t have to run the associated bake sale for any/all of these arguably unnecessary activities. You don’t HAVE to agree to every task your boss throws at you, especially if it is outside of your job description (which I truly hope you got in writing before you agreed to it, but that’s a topic for another day). You don’t HAVE to do everything in the home, your spouse is an adult . They aren’t “helping you with chores”, they are an adult caring for their home and/or their children. Say it with me now, “ No ”. You don’t have to be rude about it. You can simply say you “cannot fit it into your schedule”. You can say, “I’ll have to let you know closer to the date to see how I’m feeling/if I can fit it in/if I feel like putting on pants for that/to decide if I actually want to see you because I find you terribly annoying and don’t want to be arrested for assault and battery”. We all have our own reasons. When I was learning this skill, I found it hard to say “no” and/or not feel pressured to respond immediately. I would say, “despite all my gadgets, I love keeping a written planner (because colorful pens and stickers are exciting, don’t judge me), which I don’t have with me. Let me check and I’ll get back to you”. This gave me time to determine whether I wanted to go, had to go, going is the lesser of the evils depending on the situation, or I if the idea of going made me want to skydive without a parachute, which meant the answer was “no”, even if any of the others were “yes”. Side note: If someone demands an answer now , the answer is always “no”. I don’t make life or death decisions very often and anyone who tries to push me and cannot even wait for me to check a calendar, will not bully me into a decision. No reasonable person does this. Therefore, it’s a “no”, because I deserve time to consider and they don’t deserve my assistance if that’s how they’re going to be. It’s a boundary I learned to set and maintain to protect myself, based on my personality and desire to help, which drives me to overextend myself. The second involves the details. While many of these get tossed by learning to say “no”, it is important to address this one separately. If you say “no”, the details don’t matter because the whole ordeal isn’t on your calendar. However, it should be considered in your process. It’s one thing to agree to volunteer to give up one afternoon for a bake sale. It’s another if they ask you to bake everything that’s going to be sold, as well. Anyone else ever tried to bake for gluten, grain, nut, color, sugar, taste, free bake sale? Fuck that noise. I stifle hysterical, slightly mental sounding laughter, as I read/hear the guidelines as I say “no”, confidently and proudly; they got the wrong girl for that. However, if they ever need a bouncer for the bake sale, now, that, I can accommodate. Hey, we all have unique skills, right? The details should be considered in your decision-making process. What if others aren’t the ones adding the details to your list, though? You don’t HAVE to detail your car every weekend, get your hair/nails done on a set schedule, your carpet is fine and no one checks the lines to see if you did it recently (if they do, don’t have them over, they need to pursue hobbies), you can skip an engagement or workout when you need a break, you don’t HAVE to rescue others from their mistakes/lack of planning (more on Co-Dependency to come), your bathroom can go another day or week without cleaning, they’re your germs anyway, you can ask for a rain check when life has gotten too hectic, and you CAN say “No”, even to yourself . Sometimes we push ourselves too far. It could be out of a skewed sense of obligation, a belief from your family of origin, good old guilt learned early in life, a lack of balance, not learning about self-care, incorrectly believing that it makes you a “good” or "kind" person, and many other reasons I beg you to discuss with your therapist and get to the bottom of. Those just scrape the surface of all the whys and reasons people stay busy. I could write a book on this topic alone. However, a big thing we CAN do, though to turn the tide of this societal sickness of one-upmanship, is to tune in . Tune in to how you feel, figure out what important and stop doing shit you don’t want/need to do, find alternative ways to do the things you have to do (a little therapist secret: there are VERY few “have tos”; food, clothing, shelter, and safety are the only HAVE tos), and please stop praising each other for being “busy”. Busy does not equal success or fulfillment . Together, we can begin to praise ourselves and others for positive, healthy behaviors. What would it look like if we praised someone for taking vacation time, instead of saying how they couldn’t possibly take off because the entire business would explode? What would it look like if the bosses of the world provided mental health Lunch ‘N Learns, instead of “productivity meetings” (she says ironically) or asking you yet again to work additional days so often that you realize you haven’t had a day off in a month or longer? What would it look like if schools and teams promoted family days and activities or time off together, instead of assigning projects during breaks (my daughters were both assigned homework/projects over both Winter and Spring Break) and booster meetings for all the things you thought you HAD to sign your kid up for because they’ll surely fall behind if they cannot speak 3 languages by age 3 or know Trig by 5? What if we all stopped perpetuating the myth that busyness equals importance, life satisfaction, fulfillment, and success? What would THAT world look like I ask you?
Photo Credit: ©Disney Incorporated - Mad Madam Mim, The Sword and the Stone So I hear you are doubting yourself again. You dream big, but do nothing to move in that direction. Beginning and quitting, while telling yourself that you “never finish what you start”. Overwhelm and concern for what others think keep you from doing much of anything to keep even your New Year’s Resolutions, let alone actually reach your goals. Sound familiar? First and foremost, telling yourself that you “never finish projects” has two negative effects. One, you are creating a false perception, and what’s worse; we believe what we tell ourselves! If you tell yourself you finish nothing, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy…. you fail to finish anything. Two, it undermines your faith and trust in yourself. When we cannot trust ourselves to follow through, we can’t count on ourselves to show up for ourselves. Most of us would agree that reliability and trust are key components of any healthy, satisfying relationship. Did you know you are the only person you are guaranteed to spend your entire life with? So you train yourself to fail and then lose trust in yourself for consistently failing. There are many reasons people do not reach their goals; the reason above is simply what I see the most. The second most common, after telling yourself that you can’t do it, other people convince you that you can’t…. and you believe them. While I think people are inherently good, their behavior sometimes can make that hard to believe. People often feel inadequate and therefore, they project their fears on others. Additionally, they often want you to live your “best life”…. as long as they are as well. There will always be people who don’t see how amazing you are. You can be the absolute best, sparkling ray of sunshine, and some people prefer the dark. I don’t give those haters another thought. Understand this is not because I’m some stellar, self-righteous human. I simply don’t allow the assholes to take up space in my head because they don’t deserve it, if they are such an asshole, why would I give them ANY real estate in my head, and because I too have petty moments, I won’t give them the satisfaction of screwing up my flow. You know what your best revenge is? Success. You don’t like the judgments or negativity thrown your way? Prove…. Them…. Fucking…. Wrong. Now I rarely recommend revenge because of the reasons above. They simply aren’t worth your time and energy if they are the type of person who would do something revenge-worthy in the first place. However, in this case, you aren’t focusing on them, you are focusing on you, which is the only person you can control. Also, because I too have my petty moments, I find it really damn satisfying. They may never know I succeeded, but I know and that’s enough, because it completely invalidates their opinions/judgments (which hopefully I assumed when I heard them anyway). There are additional ways to reach goals (more on this later), but these two obstacles are huge for many people and if you start there, even if you can’t complete it, you’ll stop spinning your tires and move in the direction of your dreams. Stop telling yourself you won’t succeed, because that’s the quickest way to make that true. Be careful what you tell yourself because you will inevitably start believing it. Is it OK if your new motivation is to prove the haters wrong? Nope. You do what you gotta do to create the motion. I’m confident that as you succeed, you’ll put the assholes where they belong…. anywhere but your head.
We are all in the shit. As this pandemic and the associated isolation continue, I am hearing more and more that we, as a people, are…fing…over…it. It’s hard to get excited when every day looks the same and I don’t mean those who do the same thing every day and work a job they hate until death. I mean instead, the ongoing negativity in the media, isolation, and loss of the things we all used to enjoy TOGETHER. Two quick things to mention without getting too bogged down in the topics I nerd out about: • First, while it’s great to do activities that boost the production of Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Endorphins, you need novel experiences for your brain to utilize these chemicals to their fullest . Ever tried to “mix things up” when your bed is for sleeping, hiding from family members who never leave the house, sex, and work? I have to be honest, I’m very creative and often come up with some pretty exciting ideas, but as we are coming up on a year of this crap, I’m running out of ideas and steam. Side note: If one more Live, Laugh, Love t-shirt wearing, stay at home soccer mom recommends yoga to cure all, I’m going to scream and probably end up on the news. Giving this kind of unhelpful advice simply makes those of us who aren’t spending hours doing Downward Dog in our living room, feel like we are failing. It’s not that simple. If it were, we…would…all…be…doing…it. You haven’t stumbled upon the Holy Grail of mental health solutions, Karen. Run away! • Second, we aren’t just depressed, we are grieving . We are suffering from the grief and loss of getting to see our friends and family, social events, bars, dancing, parties, and HUGS. People are arguing non-stop, masks are annoying (PSA: that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear them), Internet is now mandatory to conduct work and school, and we are supposed to navigate all of this alone and without all the hugs. As a therapist, the recommendation of spending time with your support network or for my addicts, going to meetings and not isolate, just isn’t possible in the same ways. Sure, we can do it remotely, but the connection is very different. Did you know obesity, vision correction needs, and migraines are all on the rise? Walking down the hall, focusing on real people instead of a screen, and human interaction *shudder* has its benefits. When we start listing the reasons we hate all of this, generally, I would use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and we would try and change this negative narrative. We would think of what we have gained such as the downtime we desperately needed, time with family, the ability to actually finish a book (reading or writing it), finally completing the home improvement projects we were putting off because it felt like we never had time, etc. However, while this is a great technique, what happens when this negative line of thought is actually true and we cannot convince ourselves that this is still benefitting us and/or our families, the longer it goes on? This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be very helpful. One major difference between CBT and ACT is how unhelpful thoughts are handled. In classic CBT, clients are encouraged to dispute these thoughts and replace them with more helpful ones. In ACT, clients learn to accept their thoughts but to give them space, as is widely used in mindfulness practices. The goal is not to challenge them, but rather to acknowledge that they are not helpful, detach from them, and move forward. It is not necessary to determine if the thoughts are true or untrue. Sometimes, it’s OK to say, “this sucks, but it is what it is”. Two notable things to consider: 1. I know this may seem confusing after the last lesson about gratitude. Understand that I’m not recommending that we stop being grateful for what we have or stop striving to see the bright side of this shitshow. What I’m recommending is to take a break from fighting it and accept that this is what life looks like right now. 2. For those of you who have worked directly with me, you know I hate sayings such as “it is what it is”, “Jesus take the wheel”, “I am powerless”, etc. It’s because they are misused. These are great sayings for acceptance. We do what we can and then we let the rest go because we cannot control everything. Beautiful. Except when people use them to throw up their hands and say, “it is what it is”, instead of taking responsibility for their lives/actions/shit. Sometimes though, like when there is a global pandemic and everything is upside down, we do have to “live life on life’s terms” (see how I threw another one in there?). Here’s the deal, there are no “good” or “bad” feelings. Some make us feel like crap, but without them, we wouldn’t appreciate the ones that make us feel good. Feelings are great motivators. When we are angry, we create change (when channeled appropriately). When we feel guilty or other “bad” feelings, it pushes us not to do that shit again. The “good” feelings push us to do more of that shit. Make sense? This is why your feelings are valid, but remember that while they are valid feelings, that doesn’t make them reality. So for now, we have to accept that this is the way things are. It’s not a permanent condition (even though it feels that way). There are two things we can always count on in life; everything changes and people will fuck up. If it’s shitty now, we can reasonably assume it will be less shitty in the future. Everything changes for better or worse. This hope for a return to hugs, may be just the push we need to accept things as they are today. After all, acceptance is the answer to all of our problems.
*Photo credit, Mia Myatt* Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and to demonstrate appreciation for something. We know that being thankful helps us to be happier and less of a drag to those around us. Many of you have heard that being grateful and/or Gratitude Journaling causes your brain to release Dopamine and Serotonin. These feel good brain chemicals boost mood and positive outlook. It is a complicated process that those who subscribe to what I like to call “Instagram Psychology” (the habit of following “good vibes only” accounts and reading graphics that don’t provide all the information, but just enough for people to think they have it all figured out) don’t know is that making it isn’t enough. Your brain has to have the appropriate number of receptors and those receptors have to be able to grab and utilize these chemicals. I won’t bore you with the details. What I will say though is that the quality of gratitude and Gratitude Journaling does boost the release of these chemicals and does help to improve mood, increase positivity, and generally assists in the cognitive behavioral process of helping our pessimists (who often incorrectly call themselves realists), become more optimistic. To that end, today has been brought to you by the letter “G”, with a focus on gratitude. Not everything good that happens is because of you and not everything bad that happens is because of you. [ Side note: This is where many major religions (not belief or spirituality, I’m referring to some organized religions) often lose people. If something good happens, it’s because God is good. If something bad happens, it’s because you are a sinner and need saving. Good things = God. Bad things = flawed humans. This often causes people to feel as if they can’t win and/or they have no right to claim both the good and bad that they do. From a mental health perspective, we need to take responsibility for both in order to be healthy. Do what you will with that little nugget. ] Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to shitty people. We do however, need to experience both to learn, grow, and appreciate both. The truth is, we are all medium people, who are trying to figure it out and hopefully become better. If we can look at everything/everyone as having the capacity to be both, we can appreciate the good, while protecting ourselves from the potential bad. To cultivate a more grateful mindset, I would recommend shifting your thinking using CBT. Instead of focusing on the negative, acknowledge it and in place of the negativity spiral, choose to think of three things you are grateful for. There is nothing that is insignificant and therefore doesn't deserve gratitude. Ask someone who's starving if the food you and I take for granted is insignificant. Anyone who says, “money doesn't buy happiness”, has clearly never been completely broke. It may not make you “happy”, but starving sucks. Being housed and fed generates gratitude. While this seems trite, becoming more grateful overall shifts our perspective and helps us to see what we do have, even if it is a lack of the supremely shitty. Believe me, some days my Gratitude Journal simply is that there is no body count and I didn’t end up on the news. We are often working from a fear based mindset that tells us that if we think things are worth being grateful for, then bad things will feel worse. People learn that there is a door that keeps out the bad, so they close it, not understanding that it keeps out all feelings, the good ones too. What they fail to realize is that if you let in the good, it helps you get through the bad. Since we cannot avoid all pain anyway, then what do you have to lose, by opening up to the good? This doesn’t have to be long and arduous. A simple numbered list works just fine. The key is that you are actually grateful for the things on the list and the list is varied . Writing the same list every day, doesn’t create the novelty needed to create lasting changes (this goes back to that complicated bit about how brain chemicals work and how simply making more of them, isn’t enough). This daily habit quickly bleeds into other areas of your life, because you’ve learned to take an inventory of your day and pick out the positive parts. As you continue this practice, you will start to identify them throughout the day, thus improving your mood and creating a mindset of thankfulness. Thanks for reading; I’m grateful for you. Now go out there and use this shit.
We worry most often, when we have experienced trauma. If you have a heartbeat, I would argue that you’ve experienced trauma, because no one makes it out of this life thing, alive. We incorrectly tell ourselves that we are "warding off" the bad things, but it is a fallacy. We believe that if we worry, we will be prepared. Regardless of whether or not we fret, there are two possible outcomes. The bad thing doesn't happen and we wasted precious time worrying and living in the negative land of “what if”. Alternately it does happen, we are exhausted and deal with it more dysfunctionally, than we would if we had supported ourselves along the way. Additionally, we then say, "see? I knew this would happen", and it reinforces the flawed thinking. Life has ups and downs. When we think back, we think of happiness and then we see our happiness ending because things changed or something happened. We then use that as false evidence that every time we are happy, something bad happens or will happen. It then reinforces negative thinking. What if we shifted this and thought of every negative experience and how it was ended when happiness reentered our lives? Thus, reinforcing that “this too shall pass”, and happiness is bound to come back around. People often confuse a habit, with their personality. People tell me all the time, “that’s just me”, “it’s built in, I’ve been negative and a worrier my whole life”, “you have to worry and be aware, so bad things don’t blindside you”, etc. Generally a negative mindset feels "built in" because we can't remember a time when that wasn't true. However, it is generally a product of fear-based thinking, which often stems from anxiety, which stems from trauma….you get it. We think if we can worry and come up with a solution for every possible situation that we can "be prepared" and handle things better. So, let’s explore this. What if you didn’t worry and the worst possible thing happened? We’ve proven that those with a positive outlook handle crisis better than negative people. So, I would consider that if/when a crisis happens, you’d have more life enjoyment overall from the crisis-free periods and thus, be better equipped to tackle the issues. We think being prepared will save us from the disappointment of things going poorly, but it's not true and we waste positive time by clouding it with negative imagined outcomes. Additionally, many people think it’s “built in” based on genetics, because they come from a long line of worriers. We definitely see patterns of anxiety, depression, and other mental illness running in families. However, we also see the environmental effects of parents "preparing" their children and exacerbating that genetic bent towards anxiety. Further, since no family is completely devoid of all trauma and drama, we could hopefully further infer that the “worrying” family was not improving anything by doing so. Further, some people find stewing comforting, which I know sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true. Since they feel like they are “preparing” themselves, worrying makes them feel safe in the short-term. However, long-term, we see both physical and mental ramifications from this behavior. While it may make us feel safe in the moment, in the long run, we spiral into a habit of negativity, which does not serve us in any way, other than making us chronically ill. Worrying is a behavior pattern, not a personality trait. It is simple, but not easy to stop a pattern of dwelling. It takes time because you are reprogramming _______ number of years of behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) works really well to change the pattern of worrying, if you push yourself to do it and put in the work. You are so tough; I know you can do it. How do I know that? Because here you are, alive, breathing, and reading this, in order to improve yourself. When we talk about CBT, we look at the event/thought, the associated emotion, and the action/reaction. For negative thinking, we use this model and when we have an event or negative thought and associated emotion, we stop ourselves. We acknowledge the emotion, correct the flawed thinking, and choose a different action/reaction. Worrying is something you do, not something you are. First and foremost, we need to disconnect your identity from emotions and actions. You brood, but you aren't a brooder. It's easy to think, "I'm a dweller", even though that's a behavior or I'm anxious, even though that's a feeling. People identify as their feelings, behavior patterns, jobs, relationships to others, etc. I’m a mother because I have children, but that isn’t my identity. I’m still Mandee without children. I’m a therapist, but that’s my job, not my identity. I’m someone’s partner, but if the relationship ended, I’m still Mandee. Sometimes I feel anxious, but I’m not anxiety. Can you see the difference? Here is an example of reframing: Flawed thinking: I need to remain hyperaware and test my relationship, so my partner will stay. Perhaps I should even push my partner away to see if they’ll stay. I’d rather know sooner than later, if they’re going to leave me. Correction: I know I feel and think that way because that's how I've always done it and past experiences make me feel as if I have to. However, if I continue to act out of fear, I could push them away and the relationship end would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't have the power to make anyone leave, or the power to make anyone stay, and certainly not by feeling any type of way, so this fear while valid, isn’t reality. Instead, I'm grateful for this period and what it is teaching me. Instead of assuming the worst, I will stay open to the possibility that this could actually be better than anything I’ve experienced or imagined. Continue this exercise each time you feel yourself spiraling into negativity and worry. Eventually this type of thinking becomes the new default. Like I said, it's simple, but not easy. It does however, get easier and easier every time. That's the beautiful part about neuroplasticity; you can change the brain patterns that don't serve you. Consider the following affirmation: "The conflicts that weigh on my heart by the end of the day are going to depart."
As we embarked on a much-needed new year, many of us had high hopes. Alas, we didn’t make it through the first week without a new national event that lead to an even larger divide between the people and even more Internet arguments; seriously, I didn’t know that was possible. After we all watched in horror as yet another round of shitty behavior unfolded on the news, we inevitably moved to our digital discussion ground. I’ve seen one post after another calling for the parties to find a common ground, only to be met with posts about “scorched earth” and how they would never be friends or date someone of the opposite party. I vaguely remember learning something about our forefathers warning us against a two party system (which is why I’m neither a Republican nor Democrat)…. but I digress. I have seen and posted a meme stating, “Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it”. The anonymity and remote nature of online discussions has lead to a disrespectful type of communication and lack of basic manners that I truly hope we would be embarrassed to engage in, were we face to face. I have watched people share opinions, state facts, make shit up, argue, come together, and be torn apart. I have witnessed those I care about rip each other to shreds and use the social media, which I use to remain connected, as a boxing ring. I have also watched people agree to disagree, people learn from one another, and apologize when they have argued or been too harsh. We all experienced an array of emotions (hopefully) from shock, horror, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and the like. Most of us ended up in the end with a feeling of “same shit as always”. We have lowered our expectations and have come to accept this “new normal”. For our survival and sanity, this was necessary. The divide is based on disagreements of basic human rights and core beliefs that lends to emotionality by nature. We are fighting because this is more than a difference of politics and whether or not you like the current tax policies. Of course tensions are extremely high and this has been going on for so long, many of us have exhausted our coping skills. Further, I’ve never worked with more individuals in my career with no history of mental illness who are all simultaneously suffering from diagnosable anxiety, depression, and adjustment issues. This year has been challenging and we have learned a lot about others and ourselves. Some of what we have learned has been positive and other things…. not so much. While acceptance is the answer to all of life’s problems, I would argue that setting the bar so low that we could trip over it, doesn’t make room for much in the way of life fulfillment. The bottom line is, when our country’s administration changes hands today, we still have to live with each other. Becoming inflammatory and hateful as a response to hate simply creates new issues. Instead I propose we raise the bar. We choose instead to care for others and ourselves. We protect ourselves without blaming others. Quite simply, we start to heal. I am not recommending that we allow others to treat us poorly or to ignore injustice. Based on the issues at hand, I cannot imagine someone not having an opinion or feeling strongly about what has been happening. However, we can all learn to “fight fair” and disagree, without being abusive and causing further damage. This past year has been a shitshow, but we don’t need to add to the trauma and drama by causing additional pain to one another. What does this have to do with mental health? When the world is upside down, the virus isn’t the only thing novel in our world, and we are all having a “bad day” at the same time for a year , our mental health is bound to suffer. Continuing to pretend everything is fine, kidding ourselves that everything will “be back to normal” on New Year’s Day or any magical day now, for that matter, does nothing to help us process the events and cope. Stuffing and avoiding our thoughts and feelings and only expressing them when pointing the finger in anger at others, as “the problem” doesn’t help any of us learn how to be better or to feel better. My goal in life and through my life’s work is to make this world a better place, even if in small increments. If I help one person be even a tiny bit healthier, then their relationships will be healthier. That means their kids will grow up to have less childhood related trauma at their hands. That means their relationships and friendships will be better and those people may have one less traumatic argument. By talking one client through one conversation that avoids an argument with a loved one or ignorant comment to their spawn, I decrease the amount of discord and its related ramifications. As such, those around them will incur fewer micro-traumas, be incrementally healthier, and this will continue to ripple out. Thus, the world is incrementally better. I propose today that if each of us agrees to have even one conversation in person and/or online, wherein we make the other feel heard and discuss, without stoking the fires of hate and * gasp * perhaps even find a common ground, that the world could be better not only incrementally but drastically, by the end of today. What does this have to do with mental health? Everything. As President Biden stated during his inaugural speech today, we must “end this uncivil war”….”America has to be better than this”. We have to be better than this. Stop fing settling for misery and discord.
Hello and welcome to this Never Fing Settle blog post! I am your super fantastic conveyer of information and random knowledge, Mandee Currie, LMHC, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, the head of Never Fing Settle, LLC, lover, fighter, and most importantly, here for you! If you're new, then welcome! Here we cover various topics ranging from the mundane issues we all deal with on a daily basis, to the most difficult issues we hopefully face only once in a lifetime, spanning all the way to the taboo subjects that we all really want to talk about, but are too embarrassed ask or think we are weird for thinking in the first place. Additionally, you'll be exposed to topics or skills, you may not have even known existed! You're welcome. In 2020, I learned some things, even when it sucked. Ah yes, the faces of 2020. Many were confusion. As expected however, I find that I do not have the popular opinion on the subject. Don’t get me wrong, 2020 was challenging, painful, annoying, exhausting, and at times, felt hopeless. However, when we are challenged, we grow, and this was no exception. The difference however, is that we all had to grow at the same time, which left little in the way of support. Many felt like this year brought out the worst in people. In some cases that’s true, but follow me here. Pre-pandemic, when someone acted out of character and lashed out, and they often came back, explained, and apologized. They said something to the affect of, “sorry about the other day, ____________ happened, I was having a bad day, and I was in a really bad mood as a result”. Hopefully, you feel empathy and see their side, and accept their apology (not their behavior, because boundaries, self-worth, and such, but the apology anyway). What happens when everyone in the world is having a “bad day” all at the very same time…for months? While I never wanted anyone to go through this in any fashion (← read that again before getting your feathers ruffled), something had to give. Suicide rates are rising, divorce rates are through the roof, we have school shootings and kids cutting left and right. People routinely complaining that the school system, and in fact most “systems” are failing us, society is going to shit, and the like. No one enjoyed this, but if this is what it takes to get us to slow down, go home, and deal with our families and our personal shit, then who am I to judge? As human beings we avoid pain of all kinds and love distraction. Having the world shut down, we found ourselves * gasp * having to learn to sit with our thoughts and feelings, and to adapt without being able to busy ourselves with the trivial crap (and spoiler alert, it’s mostly trivial crap). While this was definitely drastic, I certainly didn’t know how to give the world a global reset. Don’t get me wrong; I’m in it with you. I am one of those extroverts the interwebs (and my 12 year old) love to laugh about, who is losing their damn mind with all this downtime and lack of social interaction. Snacking is not, in fact, a hobby...apparently. When I finally saw my friends, I’m sure hugging me was like being mauled by an octopus. Despite hating this shit just like everyone else, I have actually managed to use all that positive reframing and CBT I teach to good use and learn some things. Who knew? Here they are: 1. When stressed, people panic buy toilet paper. No, I don’t know why. I live where there are regular hurricanes and I’ve never thought I had to buy ALL the bottled water. There are other sources of water. There are also other ways to wipe your ass. The same people who argue that the virus is fake, thinks their ass is going to explode uncontrollably from a fake virus. 2020 taught me that no matter how long I study and observe human behavior, there are some things that may always be beyond my understanding. I accept that. 2. When people have too much free time, they scroll and suddenly have opinions about things that have probably never been on their radar in their life. I’m bored, hey; maybe I DO have an opinion on this! Knowing this helps me to not get annoyed by people who suddenly have nothing better to do than argue on the internet. They are struggling like everyone else and for a while there, it seemed like everything we read and were exposed to was negative. That gets to people. 3. People vacillate between responding when they didn’t fully read or understand or take apart every little thing to use as ammunition to respond. I think it was pretty well accepted that the majority of people hear to respond or simply wait for their turn to speak. However, when coupled with point one, I found when people are angry, anything can be used as ammunition. Knowing this helps me to communicate concisely and not add in information that isn’t relevant. I have a habit of giving too much information. It’s a throwback to a time when I incorrectly believed if I just explained something thoroughly, that anyone could or would want to understand. Even then, there are still people who want to argue, despite this concise, direct language. It helps me remember that this is a result of that person’s feelings or perspective and not a reflection of me. Remember, everyone is having a bad day at the same time. 4. Our cookie cutter school system does not work for every child or every family. Everyone learns differently. Additionally, bullies aren’t a problem when the child is home with their family. However, if the bully is at home, things travel downhill quickly. The varying results of brick and mortar school, remote learning, and now the hybrid we currently have, show that our children would benefit from additional options. Knowing this helps me to remember there are a million options out there to explore within my own family and the families I work with. Challenge everything and never assume that “the way it’s done” is what will work best for everyone. 5. People have a right to be angry and anger is a valid emotion. In the past, I would’ve told you that the emotion of anger is acceptable, but actions fueled by anger are not. While I still believe that, I will concede that some things are such atrocities that people have a right to react however they need, to communicate to those who do not listen. Of course there’s a line and associated consequences, but it’s not my place to judge or advise. No one asked me and I have to let the adults be adults. However, we need to stop telling ourselves we are so damn evolved. We aren’t that far removed from a time when we fed fellow humans to lions in an arena for sport. It’s easy to say how civilized you are when it isn’t happening to you. 6. You are not a bad parent for admitting you need space from your children who are with you 24/7. Needing space from family members who never leave for school and/or work is an adjustment and we have to learn to ask for what we need and then actually expect it. Even if that need is for everyone to leave…you…the…hell…alone…dammit. Knowing this helps me to shift my thinking that evenings don’t have to be scheduled “family time” when no one left the damn house. This is new to us all and we have to adapt. 7. I really hope we don’t have to go back to wearing bras. Anyone who knows me has probably heard me say that I don’t let assholes bother me. Not because I’m some stellar human. Instead, it is because while I cannot control that that person exists, I can control whether or not they exist in my head and whether or not they are allowed to take up my precious time. Some people are simply a reminder to be grateful that you aren’t them. I have adopted that same mindset with the year, 2020. I can appreciate what it gave me (roughly 20LBS, which I didn’t want or need, but it’s the thought that counts), what it taught me, and what I don’t want in my life. After all, complaining about the asshole, just gives them more of a presence in your life. Assholes don’t deserve your time and headspace. That about wraps it up for this week. Thank you so much for being with me, and having an open mind as we explore all life tosses our way. If you have a question, you can send it to me at Mandee@neverfingsettle.com, or you can go to the website, Neverfingsettle.com, choose the contact link at the top of the page, and use the web app to ask your question. You can use that same contact link to reach me for individual therapy services to schedule a consultation. Telehealth services are available, so location is not a barrier to receiving help. Have a wonderful and productive week ahead. Thank you for sharing it with me. I appreciate you. Remember: you deserve to live your best life and never fing settle.
